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balancing act

October 21, 2012

Image What a difference a few weeks can make.  My two sons return home in July. They both left acting and thinking predominately like teenagers. Now it is clear that they are young adults. How that change happened so quickly is puzzling, and I struggle to adjust to the change. They blow in and out like a brisk wind, no longer adamant their feet be under my table at dinnertime. But even if they are gone, their friends are here for supper!  My home feels like a revolving door and I check the shoe pile each morning to see who all is sleeping in the house.  Ah, what freedom!  They are young, have few obligations, have great friends and a long summer ahead.  I wish at times I could roll back the years and join them, leaving all the last year’s heartache behind. 

But I can’t go back and must press on… Praying for Baby in NICU, her lungs damaged, and her Momma worn to a  whipcord.  They both fight hard, Baby for each agonizing breath, and Momma desperate for hope. The days pass so very slowly.  They are full of hard work and busy with the coming and going, but burdened with the waiting. Waiting for news, waiting for sons to return, waiting for contact from Daughter and Grand-baby. We see him once in his first month of life. He lives less than a mile from home.

June changes

October 21, 2012

So many changes are coming.

My oldest son has so loved his work in Africa that he begins the journey back. He heads to Texas to study to become a missionary recruit, having only been home a few short weeks. His younger brother, reveling in his freedom while house sitting, doesn’t really want to move home in July when his friend comes home. He collaborates with friends to find a place to rent together.

My oldest daughter is cool to us and has essentially cut us from her day to day life. She is expecting a child, a son, but we fear we will never see him or know him.

My oldest son’s widow has moved on with her life in the last seven years. She has married again and has a son. She too is expecting, and her new daughter will arrive any day. And then the unexpected happens, and her baby girl aspirates meconium and is rushed to a Pediatric ICU and is gravely ill. Prayers and vigils make each day and night so very long. News comes by internet…she lives… she is better today… she had a bad night…

She fights for her life even as my daughter’s son is born. We are the last to know. We visit the hospital to congratulate and welcome, but feel awkward and extraneous. How can this ever be made right?

June ends with heavy hearts.  I fervently pray healing for a seriously ill baby so far away, and pray for a healing relationship with my daughter. I long to see my new grandson.

what a wild ride

October 21, 2012

The past year has been packed with tremendous change.  I hardly know where to start. I began this blog to document the coming empty nest, only to  be thrown …under a bus, to the wolves, for a loop???  I can’t quite decide.

My oldest living son left for Africa in September of 2011, off on the adventure of a lifetime. He would live with friends and I knew he was safe, but oh how I missed him!

Shortly after my son left, I found we were to become grandparents for the first time.  Our daughter’s boyfriend is married to another, and he took exception at our lack of approval and our daughter effectively cut us from her life.  Oh, what a long dark winter ensued.  We saw her for an hour at Christmas, but there was no warmth or joy, only a cold shoulder.  My heart was  broken. I wept and raged at God and prayed for the lost to be restored.  I prayed for forgiveness and reconciliation and grace to love the man my daughter loved.  My every attempt to reach out to her was rebuffed and depression ruled my days. To be totally cut out from sharing the pregnancy hurt me beyond belief. I felt as if joy had “left the building” and my happiness was as dead as Elvis…

My second son left in April to house sit for a friend who was going overseas, and my “nest” was down to my two special needs kids.  Neither of these two kiddos talk much and so my days were silent and lonely.  The days were dark and dull, summer seemed an eternity away. I had so many unanswered questions.  Would I see my grandchild, would I know him and be part of his life? Would we reconcile with our daughter? Would the sun ever shine again?


August 17, 2011

How do you prepare for life changes?  I’ve had to adjust to the unexpected, the death of a parent and a son, the birth of a special needs daughter, and the loss of job and home, and with no choice, I managed to cope.  The coming changes have me stumped.  Is is because I am older?  Less flexible?  See them coming and have time to think?  Is it because that until now, my role as stay at home mom was secure?  I have been a parent for 32 years and have loved my life.  I knew what I was supposed to do each day.

Now I don’t.

My oldest son passed away unexpectedly 6 years ago.  My daughter moved to her own apartment 3 years ago.  My 19 year old son is leaving for Africa next week, and will be gone for 6 months. My 18 year old son will work and start college this fall. My two foster daughters have moved on with their lives. My two special needs kids still at home are 19 and 16, both are growing up and needing me less.

Now I must figure out what comes next.

Who am I?





Sunny heart

August 13, 2011

I wake to a melancholy gray sky and cold breeze blowing.   The down comforter feels darn good. (in August!)   Impulsively, I  pull the covers over my head to sleep on, and then I hear my daughter greeting the day with song.  I uncover my head to hear what song will be stuck in my head. Today’s song, “I Will Worship”, is belted out tunelessly, but with great enthusiasm, filling the house with joy.  I have to smile!  Down Syndrome has made many things hard for my girl, but happiness is not one of them.  She starts every day with a song of praise in her heart, and she sings! These last 16 years have been filled with blessings.  ps…I thank you God, that she no longer wakes at 4 am but at a more reasonable 7 am. 🙂

foggy morning

August 12, 2011

I woke to the plaintive call of a ship in the channel heading to sea. Sounding it’s foghorn every few seconds, it was answered by various little boats and a larger ferry. A haunting beautiful sound in the early morning, but a fall sound not a summer sound! I believe my friend was right,that we are moving straight from spring to fall.

summer is finally here!

August 11, 2011

After a long, cool wet spring and early summer, we are finally seeing the sun! I fear it is too late for the heat-seeking crops like tomatoes and peppers. But hey, the peas that the deer ate to nubbins have come back (shorter) and are producing!  My cabbages look like something from Alaska.  The fuchsias are sooo happy!


August 11, 2011
This is a favorite poem and inspiration.
‎"Earth’s crammed with heaven
 And every common bush afire with God;
 But only he who sees takes off his shoes." 
 Elizabeth Barrett Browning